Commentary: My Social Media Introduction

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Hello,

I am sending you a friendship request because I think it is the right time. I’ve been watching you for months. Not here on the site, but in your home, where you work, your comings and goings, your regular habits, trips about town, that kind of thing.

Don’t worry, I have been very careful to stay within the “letter of the law” and I’ve consulted with attorneys and even the local police. You can’t do anything unless I “act on my extreme and unsettling impulses” (thank you Dr. Mortenson for the catchy turn of phrase!) anyway.

By then it will be too late. You will be mine. If you won’t be my friend I don’t think you should have other friends. That wouldn’t be nice, would it? I’d feel excluded and left out and believe me, you don’t want me feeling that way. Everyone else makes me feel that way all the time, but you aren’t like them. You are different and special. The one person here who really understands me and would never reject me.

I am putting all my hopes in your friendship. Please don’t force me to become the monster we both know I am capable of being. Just click “accept.”

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