“Gay Rights” Controversy; Right Speaks Out

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cpacNATIONAL HARBOR, MD

At the latest CPAC meeting in National Harbor, MD, several prominent Republicans and Tea Party members denounced the latest movement in America towards “Gay Rights.”

Ted Cruz was the first to speak on the issue.  He told thousands of rich white men, “If rights become gay, then those of us who aren’t gay lose all our rights.  Do you really think gay people understand guns?  When you support gay rights, you are basically giving away your guns.  And beer too. Gay people drink wine.  Not beer.  Is that what you want?  A world without guns and beer?”

The crowd responded by shooting their guns into the air and drinking beer.  Seven people were injured by falling bullets.

Cruz later told reporters “I believe God guided those bullets.  They were probably gay people.  Or journalists.  Jesus hates gay journalists.”

Sarah Palin worked the crowd into a frenzy suggesting that “if you give gay people rights, pretty soon you have to give everyone the same rights.  And that is not the kind of world I want to live in.  That’s Obama.  That’s a vision where people who all have the same rights have the same rights and that’s not right.  Because in America we have a bill of rights.  We certainly do.”

Tim McGruber, a Tea Party Candidate from Atlanta, added “I think gay is wrong.  It’s just bad. I would never make love to man, no matter how hot and sexy he was.  Even if he was a fireman, glistening with sweat, shirt torn and his face marked with soot and ash from a fire.  As he peels off his firefighting gear to reveal his hot, muscled body.  Disgusting.  I wouldn’t even molest one of my male pages and they are 16!  No matter what Tristan says.  Touching doesn’t always mean sexual and there is a long tradition of penis massages among Republican congressman and pages.”

Rance Prubian, organizer of the event, told reporters that the comments were “not about hate,” they were about “hating the sinner or the sin or something like that.”  Regaining his composure, he added “Hate the sinner.  Jesus said that.  And we do.”

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