SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA
Investigators are looking closely at an event that occurred last Wednesday and questioning what caused a man, 43 year old Martin Hammer, to ignore two beautiful women and pay attention, instead, to his phone.
Marcy Denns, one of the two women who was ignored, told The Daily Flogger that nothing like this has even happened to her before. “I mean, look at me, look at Tiffany. How could this guy just ignore us?”
Many theories have been advanced over why Hammer may have opted to text rather than ogle the women, but none seems to hold up.
Deputy Sergeant Kevin Walls finds it puzzling. “He’s not gay, which would explain it. That is the first thing we checked. He’s not in a relationship and wasn’t even doing anything important on his phone.” The phone, which was immediately confiscated, revealed a simple inquiry about a friend’s status: “Wut up?” Hammer texted. The reply, from someone identified only as J-Dawg, read, “nuthin. jus chillin.”
Researchers at nearby Stanford University fear this may be the beginning of the so-called “Singularity” which may spell the end of human life as we know it on Earth. Astrophysics Professor and expert on Artificial Intelligence William Berquist called the event “alarming” and cautioned that we be very watchful of cellular devices and pocket sized computers in the future. “On balance,” he told The Daily Flogger, “the Asian girl was hotter, but the blond is pretty amazing too. Either one should have certainly been able to turn Hammer’s head.”
Hammer himself was at a loss to explain, “I didn’t even notice them, which is pretty unusual for me. I usually hit on that. I guess I was off my game. As for answers, I got nothing, dawg.”