Jesus Returns; Critical of “BDSM Lifestyle”

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MT SINAI, ISREAL

In what has been described as many as the “second coming,” Son of God and principal figure from the Bible’s New Testament spoke today to 45 million of the faithful who assembled to hear “Sermon on the Mount II: This Time It’s Personal.”

The Christ spoke on topics of poverty, environmentalism, televangelism, and a host of other topics, but stunned the audience with his critique of the contemporary BDSM scene.

“For starters,” he told the assembled masses, “in my day a flogging wasn’t done with some pansy ass elk hide.  We did full on Roman flogging.  That shit would take the skin right off your back.  So those of you out there doing the ‘Florida’ or ‘Florence’ style flogging, you know the two handed whirly bird thing?  You aren’t flogging anyone.  You are showing off.”

His tone grew more serious as he addressed the masochists in the audience.  “Let’s get something straight.  You aren’t “hardcore” because you do some “play scene” for 45 minutes.  You aren’t shit until you are up on a cross for 2 days with a spear stuck in you.  You want to call yourself a masochist?  Try hanging around like that for a couple of days in this middle eastern heat.  And don’t even get me started on Japanese rope bondage?  In my day, we nailed your fucking hands to boards.  That was some serious bondage.”

In summary, The King of Kings said he was “disappointed in what BDSM has become” calling it a “pitiful shadow of its former self.”

An agitated Lamb of God/Light of the World saved his most devastating critique for last.  “In nearly two thousand years of watching, I haven’t seen more than a handful of submissives or slaves don a thorny crown.  Back in the day, it was all about the thorns.  People forget that.  If you weren’t part of the Roman scene or the crucifixion you can’t really call yourself a masochist or a dominant.  We had a certain psychosexual makeup that was very specific to that time and place.”

Jesus refused to take questions from the audience, but did make time for one lucky DomCo raffle winner to wash his feet.

 

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