Studio Pulls “50 Shades” Movie After Threats from Japanese Hackers

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HOLLYWOOD, MONTANA

Focus Features announced today that they will not be releasing the film version of E L James’ book 50 Shades of Grey after Japanese hackers broke into their servers and threatened to release damaging information about the books author, the film’s stars, and financial dealings with major studios.

The hacker also threatened to “flood the American market with real bondage and movies about actual S&M relationships” that would make 50 Shades look like a “bad parody of a bad book that was written by a bad author.”

The hackers left the following message on the company’s servers:

Bondage in movie is very bad.  #GOR [Guardians of Rope] cannot permit movie.  It is so bad we must threaten violence to make it stop.  You disgrace everything good.  Everything that we love.  We have movies we will release.  We have eels doing pervert things.  If you don’t stop we will show all Americans these movies.

Hollywood insiders suspect that the alleged attack may actually be an attempt by the studio to shelve the film which has seen production delays due mostly to actor Jamie Dornan’s inability to provide anything more than a wooden, one dimensional performance.  Rumors that the sex scenes were stale and lifeless and needed to be reshot dozens of times have led to speculation that the film will be a major disappointment.

Actress Dakota Johnson denied those rumors, telling The Daily Flogger, “I think you are mistaken.  I don’t recall there being any sex scenes.  We had a few days of shooting in a bed, but I don’t think you could call whatever Jamie was doing sexual or sexy or even interesting.”

Johnson has a different view of the film than most.  The actress, who hasn’t read the books, says “it is really a movie about how boring sex becomes once a man gets a lot of money.  I see it as a cautionary tale and a very sad one that that.  I wouldn’t use the word erotic.  Or sexy.  Or good.”

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