Dear Annie: Advice to Mom

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Dear Annie,

I am not sure where to turn.  I have just discovered that my 22 year old daughter has been experimenting with S&M.  There are pictures of her with bruises and markings and I found a small suitcase under her bed with some handcuffs and spanking implements inside.  I am concerned for her safety!  What should I do?

Worried Mom in Wichita 

Dear Worried,

The first thing you need to do is take a look in the mirror.  Recent psychological literature suggests that 97% of all deviant sexual behavior can be traced to something the parents did.  So your daughter’s kink is actually your fault (or your spouse’s).  It is probably you though.  It is usually the mother.

The first step should be to write your daughter a heartfelt letter of apology.  Doing so will help you feel better about screwing up her life and making her feel like she can only be sexually excited when her partner causes her pain.  Probably like you did to her when she was little.  It is a safe bet you said or did something that wounded her deeply, which made her confuse love and pain.  Nice job.

Second, sell a bunch of things and give her the money.  The more money you give her, the more likely it is that she’ll stop being kinky.  If her deviant behaviors continue, give her more money until she stops.  Cars and even gifts of houses have been shown to help “cure” the addiction to S&M behaviors.  But there are no guarantees.

Finally, start drinking.  Heavily.  It will help you bury the feelings of low self worth and failure you are bound to feel for ruining your daughter’s life.

Chances are your daughter is ruined though.  Oh and you are very right to be worried.  Someone is probably going to really harm her and maybe kill her.  Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop it, you missed that chance when you fucked up her whole childhood.

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