SANTA MONICA, CA — Local BDSM dungeon Dark Desires announced today on social media platforms that the members-only sex and fetish venue will shut down indefinitely responding to fears of coronavirus outbreaks in Los Angeles and Orange counties.
“We are responsible citizens, business owners, and lifestyle leaders,” said Dark Desires club owner and impresario Vladimir Spank (not his real name). “We acknowledge the health department shut us down for sexually transmitted disease spread, swine and bird flu, and the occasional outbreak of AIDS at our facility, but this time we are being very insistent that we are choosing to close proactively in light of yesterday’s announcement one case of coronavirus was discovered in Los Angeles.”
Spank went on to describe a recent “lifestyle event” involving a variety of pansexual partiers who “pretty much trashed the place” last weekend. He said that event, and the subsequent discovery of uninhibited and uncontrolled bodily fluids around the facility had nothing to do with his decision to shut the venue down indefinitely. “This has everything to do with coronavirus,” Spank told this reporter.