Dear Annie: Munch Advice

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Dear Annie:  I am very new to this “lifestyle” and thinking of attending my first “munch.”  I was wondering if you had any advice about how I should conduct myself with my new “friends?”

-Nervous in Detroit

Dear Nervous:  For starters, stop using all those “unnecessary” quotation marks.  It is the kind of thing that people who go to munches will secretly make fun of you for.  While you are at it, get the fuck out of Detroit.  The place is a shit hole.  Get a more respectable zip code.  Grosse Point, Ann Arbor, something, but Detroit?  Blech.

As for conducting yourself, there are three simple ways to fit in.  First, act like you belong which means exaggerating your experience.  I suggest adding 5 to 7 years to your actual time in the scene.  In your case, I’d just say that you had been around 5 years.  Along those lines pretend to know everything.  There is almost no difference in knowing things and pretending to.  The only difference is your level of confidence.  Second, if anyone brings up a problem, chime in with advice.  If you don’t have any, remember every single problem in the lifestyle can be solved either by the dominant being more dominant or the submissive being more submissive.  Work in the word “true” whenever possible.  People like truth and it makes you look important.  Third, if you want to be truly respected take a hard line on gender.  Insist on pronouns that match the person’s birth genitals.  If someone clearly female uses a term like boi, correct them.  Try something direct like “You aren’t a boy, you have a vagina.”  When they argue with you, which they always do, point out that sex and gender are determined by chromosomes and since they don’t have a Y chromosome, they can’t be a boy.

Follow those simple rules and your will be the person everyone is talking about for munches to come!

 

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