Movie Review: Valentine’s Day Special Report

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Hi! Emily here, your emotionally masochistic film reviewer with a special Valentine’s Day report.

Every year I have a special ritual I go through beginning with a series of phone calls to all my friends who are in relationships. I always ask them if they are busy for Valentine’s Day and they all are, with beautiful, wonderful romantic plans with people who love them, while I sit at home alone. Hearing all the details of their fulfilling and romantic lives just tears me up inside so much, I can almost orgasm from it.

For the rest of the day and evening, I line up a list of romantic movies that all have wonderful happy endings so I can compare my life to them and find it completely and utterly lacking. That is usually enough to send me over the edge.

So it is wonderful evening of masturbating to romantic happy endings, asking myself “why can’t I have that?” and “what is wrong with me?”

There is a beautiful moment in Bridget Jones’s Diary where Darcy tells her he likes her “Just as you are.” It always reminds me of my one true love who abandoned me. He used to tell me I reminded him of Renee Zellweger, because I was “puffy” and “annoying” but not anywhere near as cute.

How I miss him! I always try to call him, just hear the message that I am blocked.

To all those wonderful movies:

Rating: 4.5 Stars

About Emily: Emily is The Daily Flogger’s emotionally masochistic film and media critic.  Her views are exclusively her own and should not be considered the product of a rational mind.  Her reviews usually have little to do with the movie in question but do give a nice glimpse inside the mind of a twisted and tortured soul.

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